Dear Hipster Chefs;
Recently, my wife and I visited one of your establishments. You know, one of the ones with a iconique-nouveau sounding name replete with those people chilling out at the tables sipping glasses of weak mimosas while gangly-looking DJs vainly try to spin ambience from a darkened corner of the room.
No, honestly, I get it. I’m cool with the attempted vibe and all. Goodness even knows, my wife and I enjoy that sort of thing once in a while. But not this time. We were willing to put up with the bad music, the weak drinks, seating at the ass-end of the bar in front of the kitchen, the fennel-obsessed menu, and maybe even the obscenely long time it took for our orders to come out. But our patience with the entire experience ended when we got our food. Our bland food. Our cold food. Our food of extremely small portions and expensive prices.
Hipster Chefs, please stop messing with our brunch.
Yeah, I get it. All of your friends are open serving brunch during the weekends and you need to differentiate yourselves from the greasy spoon down the street. They don’t serve Hanger Steak Scramble, they serve Steak and Eggs. They don’t serve Farmer’s Market Hash, they serve – just hash. They don’t serve Pomme Fites, they serve French Fries. But there is something that they serve on weekend mornings that you don’t.
It’s called a decent breakfast.
Please learn how to make the basics before you try your hand at fancier variations. Food fresh from the grill should not be cold and bland, especially when it has less than ten feet to travel before reaching its intended recipients. If I were a religious man, I would say that the Good Lord created Heat Lamps and these things called Salt and Pepper shakers for a reason, and no, that reason is not just to add to the quaint ambience of the establishment.
And – limp Frites? For shame. Again, salt please?
Anyway, my wife and I, not feeling in the greatest mood that morning due to a rather crappy work week for the both of us, were looking forward to spending some kid-free time in your establishment recharging and reconnecting. We found it difficult to recharge in the face of such uninspired fare, but we at least did reconnect in our common dislike of our experience. There are places that serve breakfast items with a delightful twist, there are places that serve fare that is a solid as it is standard, and then there is your place.
Thanks, but no thanks.
p.s – While composing this missive, I was listening to the following songs that I just happened to have on my playlist:
- Judas Priest: Sinner
- King’s X: Not Just For The Dead
- Rush: The Big Wheel
- Cocteau Twins: Iceblink Luck
- Ladytron: Playgirl
- King’s X: Mississippi Moon
p.p.s – Knowing that Hipster Chefs probably aren’t too fond of Rush, I’ve chosen their 1990 songThe Big Wheel as my favorite for the week. You are welcome.